Parenting our Parents: From Son to Caregiver

From my childhood days, I used to go to my parents whenever I was stuck somewhere, reaching out for help - emotionally, physically, or mentally. The emotional weight of seeing your once-strong parent become dependent is hard to put into words. It's not just the loss of their memory; it's the gradual fading of who they were. As a son, this role reversal has taught me the importance of empathy and patience—not just for my mother, but for myself as I navigate this unfamiliar territory.

🍲 From Her Kitchen to Mine: A Journey of Love

My mother loved cooking; she always insisted I eat everything she prepared, saying "You will not become fat having this." I never entered the kitchen for the same reason—she was always there from the beginning. But now things have reversed. I've learned to cook for her (thanks to YouTube). I now understand the joy of satisfaction when I feed her from my hands and she finishes it all. In these moments, I see glimpses of how she must have felt watching me clean my plate as a child.

⏳ The Emotional Tightrope: Dancing Between Past and Present

Walking into my mother's room each morning, I never knew which version of her I'd meet. Sometimes, she greets me with the warm smile I've known all my life; other times, she looks at me with confusion, trying to place who I am, or wears a blank face. That's when I walk through her good memories with me, and the priceless smile that eventually emerges gives me the strength to live one more day as she is the powerhouse of my motivation.

These fleeting moments of connection are priceless, but the emotional toll is real:

• Grieving the person she used to be. Dementia doesn’t just erase memories; it changes personalities, leaving you mourning someone still physically present.

• Coping with guilt. Frustration is natural, but it brings a heavy sense of guilt, knowing she can’t control her actions.

• The constant worry. Is she safe? Did she take her medications? What if something happens while I step away?

• Feeling isolated. As a caregiver, decision-making often feels like a lonely burden.

🛡️ Mental Strength: Adapting to the Unpredictable

I understood being ready to change and adapt to new ways to handle challenging situations is the only way to give care for my mother. Dementia caregiving requires constant vigilance. From managing medications to ensuring my mother's safety and well-being, the mental load can be exhausting. Sleep is often disrupted by nighttime restlessness or wandering, leaving caregivers perpetually fatigued.

Some of the mental challenges I’ve faced include:

• Adapting communication styles. I’ve learned to be patient, rephrasing questions and redirecting conversations to avoid agitation.

• Balancing supervision and independence. It’s a delicate dance—allowing her autonomy while ensuring her safety.

• Planning. Managing appointments, medications, and daily routines requires organization and flexibility for the unexpected.

Despite the exhaustion, I remind myself daily that her struggles are far greater than mine.

💡 Learning to Parent My Parent

The irony isn't lost on me – my mother who taught me to tie my shoelaces now needs help to take a bath and get dressed. Family caregiving is all about doing the job in which we were never prepared or trained whether it was for my mother when she used to do everything for me or now when I have to do everything for her. The best part is that someone from the Family will step up for Parenting.

"Courage is not always a roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

I've had to develop new skills:

• Patience beyond anything I knew I possessed.

• The ability to redirect conversations when she becomes confused.

• Creative problem-solving for daily challenges.

• The strength to maintain boundaries while showing compassion.

💫 Moments of Joy

Amid the challenges, there are bright spots—small victories that keep me going:

• Her radiant smile when I play her favorite comedy movies or recount memories from my childhood.

• The way she holds my hand during our evening walks, as though anchoring herself to a safe, familiar presence.

• The satisfaction of watching her enjoy a meal I prepared for her—a role reversal that fills me with pride.

• The precious moment when she gazes at our reflection in the mirror, resting her head close to my chest as if seeking comfort.

• Her quiet yet profound presence during our daily family prayers, holding my hand tightly.

• The way she looks at me with childlike innocence after doing something mischievous. Those moments melt my heart and remind me of her unwavering spirit.

In those moments, I often tell her, "I'll always be here for you, like an umbrella, shielding you from the storm."

📌 Practical Tips for Caregivers

As a caregiver, I’ve learned that preparation and support are key. Here are some practical tips that have helped me:

1. Educate Yourself: Understanding dementia and its progression helps you anticipate challenges and respond effectively. I have to accept this and understand I have to change and speak according to the situation, I can't change my mother's actions or reactions.

2. Build a Support Network: Don’t hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, or professional caregivers. Look out for a platform where you can share your situations.

3. Prioritize Self-Care: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make time for activities that rejuvenate you, whether it’s exercise, meditation, or simply a quiet cup of tea. Recharge yourself regularly—burnout helps no one.

4. Use Technology: Tools like to-do lists, medication reminders, GPS trackers, and home monitoring systems can ease the caregiving burden.

5. Plan: Discuss financial matters early, including wills, power of attorney, and care preferences. For day-to-day activities, create routines but remain flexible.

🌳 A Living Legacy

Every day with my mother is a page in our continuing story. While dementia may blur the lines between past and present, it cannot erase the bond of love that flows between us. This journey has taught me that being a caregiver isn't just about managing medications and schedules—it's about preserving dignity, creating moments of joy, and honoring the parent who lives both in my memories and in my present.

I hope my story resonates with others facing similar challenges and serves as a reminder that you’re not alone. Let’s honor our parents by being there for them, just as they were for us.